by Jamie Lee Curtis said the key to her 40-year marriage to filmmaker Christopher Guest is not leaving, even when they hate each other.
Speaking to Entertainment Tonight on Sunday After winning a Creative Arts Emmy for her guest role on “The Bear,” Curtis said she learned the line “If you stay on the bus, the scenery will change” while overcoming alcoholism. She explained that the same is true in marriage.
“All of a sudden, you literally want to hate each other. And the next day, it’s a beautiful sunny day, and the dog does something cute, and your kid does something cute, and you look at each other, and you’re like, ‘Oh, my gosh,’ and then you’re on another track,” said Curtis, 65.
She added that she believes “perseverance, patience, gentleness and a good dose of hatred” are the factors that make a marriage successful.
The “Everything Everywhere All at Once” star said actor Marlo Thomas and the late Phil Donahue have released their film a book about long marriages, “What Makes a Marriage Last: 40 Celebrated Couples Share with Us the Secrets to a Happy Life.”
Thomas and Donahue, who have been married for 44 years, asked Curtis what she thought was the secret to a long marriage. Curtis said she replied, “How much you can hate each other and still stay together.”
Curtis recalled being asked if she was the first to bring up hating her husband. She said Thomas replied, “Mmmhmm.”
“I said, well, that’s the truth. You’re going to hate each other,” Curtis said, adding, “We’re human.”
“And so, not leaving. Not allowing that hate to drive you to make a choice that you’re going to regret. I think that’s really the secret,” she said.
In an essay Curtis wrote For People in 2022, she recalled opening an issue of Rolling Stone in 1984 and seeing Guest in a story. She said, “I’m going to marry that guy,” — and six months later, she did. The couple had two daughters, Annie, 37, and Ruby, 28.
In 2015, Curtis told Today that her marriage advice was not to get divorced. “It’s fascinating,” she said. “I could write a book about marriage called ‘Don’t Leave.'”
The Science of Loving and Hating Your Partner
Marriage isn’t always sunshine and roses. Research has shown that this is normal.
In a 2014 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers asked 37 participants to think about their partner and then report their positive and negative feelings about that person. Although participants were quick to categorize positive words after seeing their partner’s names, they were quicker to associate negative words with them.
The researchers concluded that people do not love or hate their partners. Instead, they love and hate them.
And while hate can sometimes manifest as criticism, there are ways to protect a relationship from too much negativity. Avigail Lev, a San Francisco-based therapist, previously told Business Insider that couples can follow psychologist John Gottman’s “magical 5:1 ratio.”
Based on the ratio, Gottman advised couples to follow up with five positive interactions for every negative interaction. Lev said an example is to give five compliments for every criticism you give your partner.
“We don’t have to diminish criticism,” Lev said. “We just add more appreciation and gratitude.”
A spokesperson for Curtis did not immediately respond to a request for comment from Business Insider sent after business hours.